Here we are, just breaching the second half of the 25th year of the 21st century. Also breaching the 35th year of your birth to your departure on August 9th.
Admittedly, I have discovered more things about today as time progresses. It's perhaps of our fixation on birthdays that we overlook departure days. It has taken me nineteen years to realise more facts about August 9;
Apart from being Singapore's national day, and that it's exactly two weeks or 15 days after your birthday,
it was also the devastation of Nagasaki when the US dropped a second nuclear bomb to unofficially and brutally end the war.
It’s been a year since I last shared endings and beginnings with you. It was the beginning of the 2024 Paris Olympics ending around your departure date leaving the world relatively safe and peaceful.
Fast forward one year, this post is a sort of report card of where the human race is at.
1. The human race has never been so comfortable, peaceful and empowered in their daily lives.
2. Things could get worse.
3. Things could get really bad.
We live in a material world. We do all that matters in search of better lives chasing dreams in a society that has provided the best in healthcare, food, living conveniences, economic and technological advances are unprecedented yet we’re on the verge of self- destruction.
There is a serious trust deficit growing amongst us since the end of the cold war. From relationships to families, communities and nations. Most people in the civilised world are living ultra comfortable lives yet not happier but more anxious desiring more of everything material that we think will make us happier. Be it entertainment, food, sex, possessions or anything that provides distractions from ourselves.
The endless scrolling of screens be it the mobile devices as an extension of our hands or the large screens as extensions of our living rooms, searching for news and useless information so we can feel-better. That’s not what happiness looks like.
As if not serious enough, we are heralding the dawn of Ai, arguably mankind's greatest technological achievement, coming into the mix. Although the possibilities are positively game changing, the dangers of misuse by bad actors using Ai to plot world domination, loom ominous.
Not withstanding Ai, the madness is already upon us. Israel is carrying out a systemic genocide on the Palestinians since October 2023. As if mad with bloodlust they have started wars with Iran, Syria, Lebanon and Yemen with the aid of their lackey the US and no end in sight..
It is a slow and painful genocide in Palestine. The Israelis are deliberately starving women & children and mindless wars are being waged in the Middle East that could escalate into another nuclear third world war.
One would think that after Hitler’s Germany, Mussolini’s Italy & the Japanese defeat in the Second World War would have taught us the futility of war but apparently not. It has been exactly 80 years since the cities of Hiroshima and Nagasaki were nuked by the US ending the war but more wars are being waged around the world today instigated or led by the US.
Isn’t it ironic, that the liberators of the free world from the horrors of the Second World War has been the sole peddler of wars ever since? It seems that the most powerful nation on earth is hell bent on destroying it. America has been entrusted to lead and police the world and they have done so with impunity. The age old adage still rings true; 'Who is going to police the police?'
These realities come to light when Donald Trump won a second term in the White House. A convicted felon managed to win a landslide victory beating the democrats whose last term was disastrous even irresponsible. Democrats or Republicans, America's politics have, from the onset, been divisive- "Either you're on my side or you're against me." This is nothing new as Americans have subscribed even invented this form of 'game theory' for decades against it's own people as well as the rest of the world. The world's largest human lab has in turn, turned the world into it's own human lab- bringing it's own ideology of governance or justice to all, inflicting chaos and destruction everywhere they choose. The only diplomacy they know is through force or coercion. Donald Trump is no different from his predecessors.
"When all you have is a hammer, every challenge you face becomes a nail to be hammered out."
The only difference is that Trump is not a career politician but a 'businessman' and hopefully he can begin to see that business can only be done with mutual transfer of value benefitting both sides leading to a multi-lateral world, not one of domination by a facist regime. In fact, America is known to be a plutocracy (ruled by the rich 1%) or even kleptocracy (ruled by thieves) and the only reason they can be that is that they wield the biggest hammer.
However, with the inevitable rise of China after a century of humiliation, there is a new world leader in the making. Compared to four thousand years of civilisation, it took only a century of humiliation to put order to the chaos largely brought upon themselves, tranquilised by the comforts of the spoils of internal warfare and imperial rule handed down through the dynasties. Starting with the end of the Qing Dynasty, China bade farewell to it's last emperor Puyi and the Chinese Communist Party won complete victory in the Chinese Civil War and the People's Republic of China was founded in August 1950.
So in a sort of a roundabout way, I have briefly but more importantly recounted the journey and establishment of a world power worthy and capable of standing up to the US in the delicate balance of power as to who holds the bigger hammer, be it in military strength or Ai advancement to rule the world.
I had planned a reunion of sorts on your birthday because I was stumped about what to post for your 33rd. So an event or a meaningful meeting would definitely give me something to write about.
On Monday I texted a certain someone whom I've not seen in a long time asking her to join me for a cup of coffee on Wednesday. It didn't happen.
I also scheduled a much needed, long awaited dentist appointment late in the afternoon on Wednesday.
That didn't happen either. My dentist had an emergency.
So there I was at two minutes past two wondering what to do, seeing the futility in plans 'of mice & men.' My phone rang almost immediately. It was my dear techie friend AL asking if I wanted coffee. The universe works in mysterious ways I mused. Yes! I replied almost immediately.
AL swung by in less than 20 minutes whisking me away to the deep recesses of Old Klang Road to a hipster coffee joint serving bagels with cream cheese and spicy potato wedges washed down with gula melaka latte. We sat in the small converted link house enjoying the fare while young local Chinese baristas hustle about the cafe in their oversized t-shirts tucked into tight high-waisted jeans. They seem to be doing fine especially the resident cat. After a healthy dose of single origin African coffee and conversation we left for another new coffee joint in Sect. 14 PJ but it was closed.
Cafe' Cat by PineForest
So we went to a nearby cafe restaurant owned and run by a friend named Jonathan. Having visited him several times before I could see he wasn't his usual self. He looked depressed, and troubled by business woes. Ever since the post-covid recovery phase, Jon has been struggling to make a living to support his young family and in the past few months business has gotten worse at his cafe at Jaya Shopping Center. I tried the standard blanket statement of 'all of us are also suffering bro' but I didn't think he bought it.
In fact he confessed that in the mornings before he opens his restaurant, he'd sit in the dark pondering the fate of his business, and that of his family, driving him to the brink of a breakdown.
Here is a man who has had the courage to strike out to practice his craft of creative cooking but circumstances seem too overwhelming to endure. It seems that he was beginning to entertain all thoughts of abandonment and resignation in search of employment.
I have often wondered how people in business are coping with the post-pandemic fallout. Now I am getting the answers as if in search of stories to mirror my own. The only difference is that I don't have the yoke of a young family to weigh me down or spur me on. Either way, suffer we must.
Ponder, reflect, contemplate day and night in solitude we must, until we come face to face with our predicament. And maybe if we are patient enough, we will find the answers we seek in ourselves.
We sat with Jon a long while, listening to his plans pre and post-covid and as he talked us through, it seemed he had a couple of viable options available for him to decide his next steps. We left him feeling and looking much more cheerful than we found him even though he refused to join us for dinner at the newly opened Chinese Muslim Mee Tarek and Mee Hiris Restaurant downstairs.
So looking at what has unfolded today, if I were to have a man to man talk with Jon the cafe owner, I wouldn't know how to tell him what I think he needed to know in a way he'd understand because it would tantamount to preaching and enter the realm of meta physics.
Hence I just sat there listening and holding space for that young man to vent.
However, if it was you Jonathan, my son in a similar situation, I would probably say these to you;
1. Survival is not a problem. Live.
As long as we are willing to adapt, we can survive under any condition.
If we are used to eating five meals a day, cut it down to two. This will reveal our eating habits are just that - habits we have gotten used to unnecessarily over feed our bodies even though we are not hungry. Our body will thank us for not over burdening the system.
2. The mind is and always will be our enemy. Be mindful.
Most problems only exist in our minds. We just have to remind ourselves that every problem has a solution as long as we are willing to face them. When we do that we begin to see that things aren't as bad as we imagined. But the mind's primary job is to think and even overthink incessantly. Our job is to control the mind and use it to serve us and not the other way around. To do that, we have to be mindful. To focus on our breath that will bring us to the present moment. To stay in the present is to focus on everyone and everything around us because this is the only reality that exist, right now. So by constantly being here now, will silence the mind and lessen the endless chatter.
3. Fear does not exist. Live exuberantly.
When we're fully present, we begin to realise that fear has no place to dwell in our being. Fear is what we encounter when we lose unity with the present moment. Our mind then dwells in the past or gets anxious about the future.
4. Everything is temporary, ephemeral, transitional.
All that is subject to arising is subject to ceasing. the Buddha said. That is a universal, scientific truth.
No matter what we are going through, whether it be a joyous situation or a negative one, it will pass.
After the winter, comes spring. It's only natural hence irrefutable.
And sure enough the sun will come shining through.
If it's not shining yet, keep going, singing in the rain, soon there will be laughter in the rain or sunshine.
Well Jon, this is your post. The message is that I see you, us in every young man especially the ones named Jonathan. Just like you he's talented and hardworking. And I know just like you, he'll be fine.
Happy 33rd Dude.
P/s. I've chosen a song by my childhood crush for your birthday soire'. She's a Hawaiian hottie.
This came to me early this morning at 5.30 am to be exact.
This book on personal growth based on ancient Toltec wisdom, written by Don Miguel Ruiz was published in 1997.
It was on my list of spiritual or self-help books since 1999 when my journey into self began. I have acquired many books since but this one somehow eluded me. Until this morning when I awoke in bed, giving thanks for being able to wake and feel my limbs intact and mobile. It came in the form of an audio book so I promptly dived into it and barely into the first chapter, I found it warranted my full attention. So I got out of bed, went into the living room, sat in my reading chair and braced myself for over an hour of pure truths.
It has often been said that, the book finds you and not the other way around. I couldn't agree more and I am revelling in that saying. Better late than never. what's even better, this came at the crack of dawn on your birthday Jon.
In the days leading up to this one, one gets to ponder on exquisite questions like; what topics of discussion would we be indulging in? Or what advise would we be inspiring each other with?
Well, I need to ponder no more. The answers came to me fast and hard at the dawn of today.
As a reminder to self, here's a quick summary of the gift of The Four Agreements;
The backdrop is about limiting beliefs that we all have been "domesticated" since childhood that robs us of joy and create needless suffering.
To break the centuries old conditioning, we can practice three skills to free ourselves against 'domestication'
1. Awareness- Practice meditation and mindfulness.
2. Forgiveness- Awareness brings forgiveness
3. Action- From forgiveness we will receive the strength to act.
Then to break all our previous self-limiting agreements, start these new Four Agreements and completely change our lives:
First : "Be Impeccable with your word."
Say only the truth and only what you mean. first to yourself and to others.
Second: "Don't take anything personally."
Understand that others words are the product of their own domesticated lives.
Third: "Don't make assumptions"
Be brave to ask questions.
Fourth: " Always do your best"
Your best will change from moment to moment.
Come to think of it, you are the embodiment of the Four Agreements above, don't you think?
Fifteen years have flown by, since your departure from this world. Still not a day goes by that you are not with us. What joy you bring in your presence and in your absence.
For it is in knowing and having you in our lives that make this life a lot more worthwhile and more worth living. So; Here's to living and dying and dying and living.
After all; Departures are Arrivals as Endings are Beginnings. See you there. Son.
That would be your anthem, among many of course. I chose this one because it reminds me of the mortality of the human form. The surety that as each of us is born we must each surely die. The best line thus far depicting and driving home this fact for me is encapsulated in this cheeky quote; “ do not get too serious with life, nobody gets out alive” So it is and was on that score( hmm.. I’m wondering if any great composer has a music score on that? Must check) that you, me and largely the conscious have come to live life.
I still remember back when you and your band chose to sing this song, I was a little disturbed but gave it no further thought as I marked Guns & Roses under the genre of heavy metal and hard rock. They’re meant to be rebellious and provocative and I had little interest in them.
However upon further introspection over time, this song holds much truth for living as much as it is about dying. We must come to terms with death before we can start living.
Originally composed by Bob Dylan for the Sam Peckinpah movie- Pat Garret and Billy the Kid, this song is one of the greatest soundtracks of our lives. It has since been covered by many artists including Eric Clapton and GnR. Peckinpah also made the epic western- The Wild Bunch, that revised the entire western genre with innovative storytelling, and real depictions of violence in his interpretations. His characters are mostly loners and losers who desire to be honourable but are forced to compromise in a world of injustice and brutality. He inspired many filmmakers notably John Woo, who framed most of his shots inspired by Peckinpah, who pioneered the slow motion action sequences and Woo became iconic for using those techniques in his movies.
The song was written to the lyrics depicting the movie, there's nothing to it.
Jon’s take was purely band and pop (rebel)culture driving the young of his time. It was after all 2004 and you were 14 and not much of a rebel. The oft repeated phrase keeps coming back in reprise. The rebuttal on my lips every time is; aren’t we all, Knocking on Heaven’s door? Well you knocked and the door opened for you. You lucky bastard! Son of a Gan! I always see that cheeky grin of yours, it's a certain delightful knowing that it's all ok.
I suppose at 31 you’d know by now that we don't ever really die. We live on in each other even after we die.
The month when god gifted us the first of many precious gifts.
And to think I wasn't going to be present for your birthing. How Preposterous!
I remember when Mum was close to labour and I was, as usual impatient, wanting to know when? Exactly! Because I had a very important meeting to attend. The Agency's most important Client.
Yes. I was that committed to work. Or totally unconscious to life!
Thank heavens I didn't go for any meeting.
I was there at your emergence into this world. Scared shitless!
Cos I did not dare to stand at your emerging end. I merely stood by mum and held her hands.
My hands were twisted and pulverised as she held onto me for dear life and pushed and pushed.
She refused any form of assisted birth.
She wanted a purely natural birth for her first child, she later tells me.
After a long while, you emerged. It's a boy! Exclaimed Dr. McCoy very relieved I might add.
I managed to take a glance at you before the nurse took you away to be cleaned and weighed.
You were a mess!
I stayed by mum's side while she released the afterbirth with a lot of fart noises. After that, the good Doctor proceeded to stitch her up. I remember asking him to stitch back a virgin. He said no problem.
Later in the recovery suite, I got to hold you with mum resting in her bed and then I carried you, lost in ecstasy admiring every part of you. What a miracle I felt. What a beautiful baby. My baby. My son.
What do Blake Edwards, Stanley Kubrick, Mick Jagger, Helen Mirren & Jacinda Ardern have in common?
They all share the same birthday with Jonathan Gan Ye Zhan.
Blake Edwards
Blake Edwards (b. July 26, 1922) is an American film director, screenwriter, and producer originally William Blake McEdwards (1922–2010) Director and writer born in Tulsa, Oklahoma, USA. A former actor and radio scriptwriter, he made his film directorial debut in 1955 with Bring Your Smile Along. He is best known for Breakfast at Tiffanys (1961), and his series of Pink Panther films (1964–78) starring Peter Sellers. He also produced, directed, and occasionally wrote for the television series Peter Gunn (1958-1961). Other films include Operation Petticoat (1959), S.O.B. (1981), and Switch (1991). In 2004 he received a Lifetime Achievement Academy Award. He is married to the actress Julie Andrews.
Kubrick, Stanley
Kubrick, Stanley, (1928–99) American film director, writer, and producer, b. New York City. His visually stunning, thematically daring, boldly idiosyncratic, and darkly compelling films generally portray a deeply flawed humanity. Kubrick made several documentary shorts in the 1950s, turning to film noir features with Fear and Desire (1953), Killer's Kiss (1955), and The Killing (1956). He scored his first hit with the bleak antiwar drama Paths of Glory (1957). After completing the Roman epic Spartacus (1960), he left Hollywood (1961) to move to England. He soon made a series of brilliant films: the sexualized, sad, and uproariously comic Lolita (1962), the apocalyptic black comedy Dr. Strangelove (1964), the science-fiction classic 2001: A Space Odyssey (1968), and the violently futuristic A Clockwork Orange (1971). Kubrick's later films include Barry Lyndon (1975); The Shining (1987), a terrifying version of Stephen King's novel; the bitter Vietnam-era Full Metal Jacket (1987); and the psychosexual thriller Eyes Wide Shut (1999), his last film, called a masterpiece by some critics and a pretentious disappointment by others.
See biography by V. Lobrutto (1997); G. Phillips, Stanley Kubrick: A Film Odyssey (1975); T. A. Nelson, Kubrick: Inside a Film Artist's Maze (1982); M. Ciment, Kubrick (1983); N. Kagan, The Cinema of Stanley Kubrick (1989); M. Falsetto, Stanley Kubrick: A Narrative and Stylistic Analysis (1994).
Mick Jagger
popular name of Sir Michael Phillip Jagger (1943– ) Singer, born in Dartford, Kent, SE England, UK. He attended the London School of Economics, but left to form his own rock group, The Rolling Stones, together with Keith Richard, Bill Wyman, Charlie Watts, and Brian Jones. Following their debut in London (1962), the group released its first single, ‘Come On’ (1963). Jagger's unconventional behaviour on stage, and the group's uninhibited lifestyles, cultivated a rebellious image which appealed to a generation of teenagers during the 1960s. He wrote and sang many of their hit singles including ‘The Last Time’ (1965), ‘I Can't Get No Satisfaction’ (1965), ‘Honky Tonk Woman’ (1969), and various albums. He released two solo albums, She's the Boss (1985) and Primitive Cool (1987). Still popular after three decades, the group released the Steel Wheels album (1988), and went on tour (1989). They were still in the album charts in the 1990s with the release of Flashpoint (1991), Voodoo Lounge (1994), and Bridges to Babylon (1997), and in 2005 released A Bigger Bang with accompanying tour. In 2001 Jagger released a further solo album, Goddess in the Doorway. His film appearances include Performance (1968), Ned Kelly (1969), and Freejack (1992). He received a knighthood in 2002.
Mirren's title role of The Queen earned her numerous acting awards including a BAFTA, a Golden Globe, and an Academy Award, among many others. During her acceptance speech at the Academy Award ceremony, she praised and thanked Elizabeth II and stated that she had maintained her dignity and weathered many storms during her reign as Queen. Mirren later appeared in supporting roles in the films National Treasure: Book of Secrets, Inkheart, State of Play, and The Last Station, for which she was nominated for an Oscar.[45]
Ardern was unanimously elected as Deputy Leader of the Labour Party on 1 March 2017, following the resignation of Annette King. Just five months later, with an election due, Labour Leader Andrew Little resigned after a historically low opinion polling result for the party, with Ardern elected unopposed as Leader of the Labour Party in his place.[6] She led her party to gain 14 seats at the 2017 general election on 23 September, winning 46 seats to the National Party's 56.[7] After a period of negotiations, New Zealand First chose to enter a minority coalition government with Labour, supported by the Green Party, with Ardern as Prime Minister; she was sworn in by the Governor-General on 26 October 2017.[8] She became the world's youngest female head of government at age 37.
Jonathan Byron Gan Ye Zhan (1990-2006)
Born 1990 to ecstatic parents in Pantai Hospital, Kuala Lumpur. Received his primary education in Kuen Cheng Chinese School in Jalan Belfield Kuala Lumpur. Appointed school prefect, trumpeter and bass drum in the school marching band, sole member of the school tennis team and sole debater of the school's debating society. Played competitive level soccer in the weekend football club-First touch. Attended football coaching at Manchester United Soccer School in Old Trafford for 10 days on 2002. Scored 5 A's & 2B's in the UPSR exams and won a place in Victoria Institution Secondary School. Patrol Leader in the 1st KL Boys Scouts movement. Football on weekends, guitar lessons evenings. Friends, relatives, family and girls. What a full life he lived. Then he was diagnosed with PNET. An inoperable brain tumor had been found in the right thalamic area of his brain that eventually rendered his left side semi paralysed. He underwent cancer treatment- radio therapy, chemotherapy and subjected his physical and mental self to the harsh effects of the treatments. At times it was painfully unbearable but he never showed it or even complained. He soldiered on unflinching. Only because we urged him to.
We love you Jon and we look up to you in absolute awe, admiration and affection every day.
Today is my birthday. As a gift to myself I am relaunching my blog and formally launching my foray into writing my Memoirs, much like Marcus Aurelius when he penned his thoughts and feelings of his life and as Emperor of Rome (161-180 BCE) which was published as The Meditations after his death. My blog is now renamed I love you. Live.
I shall continue to document moments in my life that are significantly memorable about the people I meet, places I've been and things I've done. What better way to restart than with my family.
My recently separated wife of thirty plus years is everything I wanted in a woman to bear my children. Strong, disciplined, talented and resourceful, the type that gets things done. Super quick.
Mission accomplished.Three wonderful children in a span of five years.
We were happy productive parents. She even a greater mother, teacher, housekeeper, friend, gourmet chef and protector of her children. Look at them now.
Neither one of us knew how to go on in our relationship having accomplished a beautiful family, our children now live separate from us pursuing their careers. Leaving us an empty nest to face each other once again.
We then realised we hardly knew each other as individuals. I still wonder why she married me.
We tried to be decent to each other. She was patient, faithful and silent, seething an anger within. I was serenely content but seeking intensely, silently searching for life's answers.
I asked for a reset for us to start anew. Neither of us knew how.
So we split. It was my fault. I strayed. I was lost and lonely. I was searching for meaning.
I found a guru. Several gurus in a spiritual sense and I made a pilgrimage. They say that in India, when a man goes on his pilgrimage, it's a journey of no return.
In India back in the days everyone walked so it'll take forever to walk back. It's been over a year now on the journey into my pilgrimage. I aim to make it back.
I now know what it's like to be free, conscious and alive.
I would not trade this feeling & freedom for anything in the world except to find my way back to my family to be together once again.
I met my one and only wife in 1989 when I joined my first international agency. She was the queen of the roost and the boss's blue-eyed girl. She was all about work and I was all about building my career. She was a top performer and as much as I tried I could only manage to emulate half of her capabilities. But I had keen selling abilities and good diction & presentation skills. She was fiercely ambitious, impatient, fast and single.
I was climbing the career ladder equally ambitious with a girlfriend in-tow from my previous agency. My new colleague and I spent many hours and weekends working together at the agency, mostly clearing paperwork. We started an affair and I broke the heart of my girlfriend of five years soon after. She became my new girlfriend and moved in with me.
She proved to be as good a housekeeper as she is an advertising executive. From my traditional baba/nyonya upbringing, I was used to very high standards of housekeeping and F&B. Plus my father came with the package deal. She kept papa happy, in his place and the household in ship shape.
We had Jon out of wedlock. She was happiest. She had always wanted a son of her own. She didn't expect me to hang around after Jon was born, she later tells me.
But when Zane was born two years later, she agreed to legalise our marriage at the registrar.
From then on we were a happy growing family.
We went into full flight with the arrival of our third and last child, a precious daughter.
All of our children are such great blessings of joy and happiness. Growing up with our three children made it so easy to weather the burdens of work, life and even ignore the husband/wife relationship.
We were happy together. As long as we all had each other.
We quickly outgrew our extensively renovated double storey link-house in Bangsar. We moved to a large landed property in Damansara Heights with lots of space for the children to play and grow. We played all the games that I grew up playing. Football, hockey, cricket, badminton, ping pong and basketball. Except for football I'd beat the crap out of the boys at all the sports. They would beat each other up over squabbles about games. Sore losers et al. But we all laughed it off as good fun and part of growing up. We even had our ears pierced together.
Life was good, it rewarded us with most privileges of travel and leisure. Mine more. I was chasing the dream of acquiring wealth and business but I was travelling more for leisure than business. I spent time away from the family. Strangely, the thing that I love doing most I avoided. I was basically compulsive and unconscious. Mum stepped up wonderfully raising the children. I did virtually nothing but to just love and adore them. And communicate with them as adults. Still I was largely absent. Not present.
Until Jon got sick.
My life came crumbling down for a while. I quickly snapped into business mode after his diagnosis and prognosis. I went into command mode. Shut down my emotions and rallied the family together to set the context. We searched everywhere for all sorts of remedies. The more I looked outwards for the answers the more confused and frustrated I got. I have never felt more helpless in my life. Desolate. I was losing my son. My Jon.
There was nothing I or anyone could do. He too took the brutal lashings of his cancer therapies for over a year with dignity and courage.
Jonathan Byron Gan Ye Zhan sprouted wings and left us early in August 2005, exactly two weeks after his sixteenth birthday. The day Singapore got her independence so did Jon.
Gone too soon but that young man had a life well lived.
A scholar, sportsman and gentleman. He represented his primary school at debating competitions, tennis, school band, prefect, ran cross-country. Attended Man United soccer school. At VI he was an active boy scout, patrol leader of 1st KL Troop, a member of a rock band and a ladies man. He lived his life in a real hurry. Maybe he knew something we didn't.
He is survived by his brother and sister and not supposed to be us his parents. I guess what they say is true; " it is most tragic for a parent to bury their child." But not unusual as we come to meet many more such families during our journey with Jon. We found common bonds to urge each other on.
The family felt lost and empty in the void left by Jon.
We were each mourning him in our own way privately. The loss we felt was just beyond words. None of us knew how to express how we felt about losing Jon that we just kept it in. And I suppose each of us are still mourning Jon. Most of all mum.
To a certain extent, Zane and I had spent a good amount of time discussing our feelings about Jon while chilling, drinking and smoking in his beautiful brownstone in Brooklyn.
I felt it was healthy & invigorating to express long pent up feelings and emotions. If not to make peace with a past event albeit significant. And move on consciously to enhance this life.
Zane I'm hoping is loving and living his life exuberantly. I know he is.
Because he was the brightest, happiest little spark growing up. Being number two and totally different from Jon who is more like me, as a child he was my exact opposite. And I adore him. He got along beautifully with Summer but not Jon. Quick to speak and act.
He has great bursts of energy and a pleasant gentle personality. Very likeable. Ruled the school's badminton champion roost for a few years.
He had to brave the big bad world at 17. We literally kicked him out to San Francisco to study Fine Art. After two years of living the good life, getting stoned and hopefully laid in the most expensive city in the US, I made him a proposition after visiting him in his luxury loft in the Tenderloin district- Spend the remainder money set aside for education in SF or be anywhere he desires for work apprenticeship. At the end of his second year, he graduated with an associate degree from University in SF and he moved to New York because that's where Summer is. He landed a job assisting famous analogue photographer Eric Johnson in Manhattan.
Wise move that was because NY has opened his mind to being a jazz historian while he shoots and dates models on the side.
The kind of life I'd be proud to live. Enhancing his life by enhancing how people look. In photos and in person. His keen choice of jazz music is just about the only thing that surpasses his choice of clothes. His dress sense is legendary in the Gan family. He is certainly putting on the Ritz at least in dress style in New York City which makes him confident, suave and savvy.
Music and fashion aside, his first love and talent I believe is still the craft he loves and was trained for. Photography.
He has a certain presence that when in his presence the model is forced to be present. Allowing him to capture their essence. Each of his model shots bring out the person from the being. Perhaps he's an artist waiting to be born or already in action. Already dabbling into large canvasses with acrylic, the first few pieces I chanced upon were dark. But these are his desires. Who am I to judge. I'm just here to appreciate my son.
Just as I have appreciated and still appreciate Jon. If he hasn't been stricken with the disease we wouldn't have been such a dysfunctional family that glides in and out of each others lives without fully loving and being with each other. Jon brought us closer together.
*From my vantage right now, his message for us was to slow down, wake up, and live life.
That's when I know that we don't ever really die. The great consciousness lives on in another form and it's closer to us than we think. It's just one step inside.
Everyone we love, everyone is inside us. They live on inside us. Which is how they appear even when they are here with us. They live inside us in our experience of them. We only ever perceive anyone or anything inside our head through our sense perceptions. Except physically we get to touch, smell, hear, even lick them, if we want but that's just his physical self. What about his intellectual, emotional and spiritual self? That makes three parts of the being. These are all experienced in the being. And that you cannot take away from me. Then isn't it true that Jon still lives in me?
As long as I am alive Jon lives in my consciousness. Beyond the physical.
As does he in Zane and Summer's hearts and consciousness. Only if they knew how to still the mind and go within. Be still and just observe.
These are qualities which I believe our youngest and most precious child possesses.
She has great stillness and observation skills. A sense of presence when she's around people. She's sensitive and great with kids. She just doesn't like adults except mum while growing up. Dunno if she's still the same. But I think she's matured into a confident, intelligent yet bubbly and exuberant young lady. Always ready to help. And bring joy into people's lives.
Just like the day she was born she has brought rays of sunshine into our lives everyday ever since. What a beautifully appropriate name for my daughter- Summer.
No school, primary or secondary, could contain her for long. For her place is not in the classroom but in the open spaces of the dance stages.
A free spirited being of joy who loves dance. She delivered and over delivered in ballet school with 7 Consecutive Awards for Distinction from the Royal Academy of Ballet in as many years. A record unbroken I dare venture. I still miss ferrying her to and back from dance classes, auditions, practice, shows, and the occasional gala.
She still is the apple of everyone's eyes. Everywhere she goes she lights up the place.
She teaches me presence with her poise and grace.
Perseverance from her patience and practice. She inherited the trait of strict discipline and steely determination from her mother and led a full dance-oriented life going for practice, performances, auditions and shoots back home.
So busy she missed the deadline for NY dance school submission for Fall of 2014 but made up for it by winning herself a scholarship to AMDA-NY in the same year. She did it by coming out tops in a dance workshop in Barcelona. She's awesome, she gets what she wants. If only she knew.
She missed the front entrance but got invited back in through the side door on a red carpet.
Since her admission to AMDA I have yet to see her dance.
I also missed both her shows- performance and choreography in Malaysia’s first off-Broadway theatre; Thicker Than Water staged in Joe’s Pub twice.
New York is lovely, I enjoyed it most when I spent one afternoon in autumn with Summer in the East Village & Greenwich just strolling down the narrow streets, having lunch, exploring new street corners, book stores, charming old stores, even a Taiwanese tea house. Just spending precious time together.
I remember that afternoon we walked into a quaint little book store, I enquired if they had any Murakami in stock. The elderly Italian proprietor looked at me with obvious disdain and made a snide remark alluding to my daughter. I deduced that he thought I was a dirty old man dating a pretty young girl and he didn't approve of the liaison. We promptly left with me bemused in the thought that there are still decent men left in New York. And he's Italian.
Well, I am Malaysian of Chinese descent and I am only half decent. Which was why I deserve to be kicked out of my happy home after I strayed from my one and only wife and ended up alone. Clearly I have failed as a husband but I am still a father who is proud of his family. Extremely.
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